HGTV vs. Real Life

Almost every time someone finds out we are flipping our second house, they ask if we watch a lot of HGTV, as if that's what gave us the idea. The truth is, we'd never watched HGTV until the plane ride home this last Christmas. And I have to admit, we kind of liked it. It has given us some good ideas. We've even learned a few things! But there are some key differences between what you see on HGTV and the reality of house flipping. What's that, you say? Real life remodeling is not just like an episode of Fixer Upper? Shocking, I know. But here's the truth:

1. On HGTV, there is always a crisis. Water damage! Permit problems! Warped siding! Oh my! Will they ever finish the job?! Will they lose all their money?!  I suppose those things happen in real life, but on HGTV they act like they never suspected they would find mold, when in reality, you plan for those things. Sure, it's a bummer, but you aren't shocked. And you don't need to sit in front of a camera processing your feelings, or worrying about how you're going to tell the contractor. But of course, without some drama, there would probably be no audience.

2. On HGTV, sometimes the crisis has to do with permits. And they really are a pain. But in real life, the city does not simply "pull a few strings" to get your permits through so you can begin work. When you are not on TV, the city doesn't care about you. They just want your money.

3. On HGTV, your lovely host comes up with the perfect remodeling plan for your house in about three minutes. They begin work right away because their little interns probably sit at a computer all day drawing floor plans on Sketch Up. In real life, you invite your friends over to drink tea in the bathroom and together you hem and haw, and wonder if you will get the most for your money by moving the washer and dryer or installing a clawfoot tub. 

4. On HGTV, they somehow always end up with a little extra money in the budget so you can pick one of three amazing bonuses for your house. A rooftop deck? An indoor badminton court? Bathroom sauna? In real life, I'm hoping to be under budget so we can buy a second car, or pay off some student loans, not turn the shed into an outdoor kitchen with a pizza oven. In real life, you save your extra money, you don't blow it on a dog shower in the garage. But that's not as fun to watch on TV.

5. Real life remodeling is a lot like HGTV in some ways, except in slow motion. On HGTV the subway tile seems to climb up the wall effortlessly, at fast-forwarded speeds. In real life, it takes eight hours to tile half a small shower because you're constantly dropping the separators, and you keep cutting tiles that are too big, and you accidentally knock an entire row down when you try to move one that's already dried because the leveler reveals a slight slant to the left. Dang it.

P.S. In an effort to make our flip a little less like reality, and a little more like HGTV, I applied to be on America's Most Desperate Kitchen. Here's the video if you want to feel bad for me. Thanks, Mom, for being my camera woman! 

Oh, and it's actually gotten worse since filming. The disposer recently gave out, and we broke the pipe trying to fix it, so we stuck a bucket under the sink collecting the water that needs to be dumped into the backyard. Last night, I was washing dishes when I had the strange sensation that my feet were getting wet. Turns out you need to check the bucket water levels more than you think. Have you ever seen that on HGTV? 

Colmar, France

Did I mention we don't have an oven? Well, we have one, but it only heats to about 150 degrees. So I've had to get creative with dinner. The other day I threw some chili in the crockpot, and of course I whipped up some cornbread to go with it, forgetting about the state of our oven. To the rescue came the toaster oven, and a glass tupperware dish. It was totally worth baking four different mini loafs one at a time, and washing the tupperware in between bakings. 

In an effort to stay away from meals requiring the oven, I began sorting through every single one of my recipes, including the ones I made in Germany. And I found a 3x5 recipe card, smeared with tomato juice, for ratatouille. The dish that makes you feel so good about yourself not only because it's cool to cook French food, but also because you're being good and eating lots of veggies. This is the recipe I follow. 

Of course, eating ratatouille reminded me of France, and made me want to share one of my favorite French towns with you. Welcome to Colmar.

The first time we visited this delightful city, we were perplexed to see a miniature replica of the Statue of Liberty gracing the park. It made more sense when we learned that Auguste Bartholdi, the sculptor of the original gift given to the US from France, was born in Colmar. I guess the town found that they liked Lady Liberty so much, they wanted one of their own. 

Now, if your goal is to climb to the top of the statue, and stand inside her eye, I suggest you head to New York. But, if you're content with a smaller version, and would enjoy eating a crepe while strolling down cobblestone streets, admiring half-timbered Alsatian homes, I'd head to France. Specifically, to the Alsace region, far in the eastern side of the country, only minutes from Germany. Colmar is five hours east of Paris, three hours south of Frankfurt, and it took us only forty-five minutes to drive there from Kandern, Germany.

Many highway signs in France have pictures of the historic sites available off the exit, hoping to entice you off the highway with their charm. 

Sunlight on Saint Martin Church 

Saint Martin's church, built somewhere between 1235 and 1365. Evidently, they weren't concerned with exact dates.

Doesn't it make you want to sauté some ratatouille?

If munching on a carrot isn't your thing, hundreds of soft pretzels are for sale at the covered market in the old Fishmonger's district.

You may even get to see some authentically dressed Alsatian dancers.

"Little Venice", is the name given to every city neighborhood in Europe that has a river running through it, because everyone loves Venice and they believe the name will lure in the tourists.  Colmar thought this was a good idea, and followed suit. 

Insider tip: Free bathrooms down the stairs on the northeast corner of the Champ de Mars--complete with pink toilet paper!

By the end of the day, you'll likely collapse from all the fun, and the park at the Champ de Mars is the perfect place for a nap/picnic. 

On your way out, don't forget to drive by Bartholdi and give a salute to Lady Liberty, who's perched on his shoulder. Go ahead and thank him, not only for giving America the larger version of the statue, but also for giving us the best recipe for sautéed vegetables known to man: ratatouille.